TakeMeAway...

Okay, I'm not pregnant which is a load off my mind. I spent the week worrying about putting my life on hold and wondering whether I could afford it! But since I'm not I can stop stressing and get on with my life.
I'm looking for a new flat - around my local area this time! Since I've got home the atmosphere has been a little tense as my grandparents got used to having their own space again and I was used to being independant so there has been major clashes! I can't wait to have my own place again! The sooner the better!

Over the past 6 months or so I haven't really been myself and I think it's about time I got back to who I am! This illness has completely ruled my life for 3 years and I want some control back; I want to feel able to relax and have fun again. I've decided to go back to college in January for definate to do Music Business and then again in September to do my HEFC's in Psychology, Engligh Lit and Lang.
There's a lot I want to do with my life and I'm not sure whether I could fit it all in! My ideal and dream job is owning a music promotions company and then a record label. My ideal back up job would be something in psychology which I may do at university. Other things I would love to do are: dancing again, acting, singing, be in a band, be a writer, a teacher. I'm not sure!

Is there enough time in life to do everything?

Terrified...

Okay, well a lot has happened since the last time I wrote in here. I moved in with my boyfriend and then he slept with someone else on my birthday in our bed so I moved back home. Now - and I don't care who thinks I'm an idiot for this - I am back with him. To be honest, no one is perfect and yes he slept with someone else...once...one night stand...not for months on end which would be ten times worse! He spent months begging me to take him back, depressed saying that he had wrecked the best thing he had so eventually as I still loved him I agreed to take him back. It is still hard now as I'm still getting over things but now our relationship is so much better and stronger than it has ever been! I think to be honest it took a big shock to both of us (me; him cheating...him; losing me) to make us realise what we had and to always make the most of it!

But that's old news now. I am happy and that's all that matters! I am terrified now though...I may be pregnant! My boyfriend is being very supportive about the whole thing and I'm off to the doctors tomorrow to find out for sure and to be honest I'm not sure which result I want the most. If I am pregnant the one thing I am most scared of is morning sickness...DAMN EMETOPHOBIA!! I wish I knew people who had the same phobia and went through pregnancy so I would know what to expect.

But I am finding out for sure tomorrow...so I will announce the result then! Please cross your fingers for me...I'm sooo scared!

Let's spend tonight [.OnTopOf.] the world <3

"We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs,

And they'll think it's just 'cause we're young,

And we'll feel so alive!"

"Throw it away, forget yesterday,

"We'll make the great escape!

We won't hear a word they say,

They don't know us anyway!"

"Watch it burn,

Let it die,

'Cause we are finally free tonight!"

A lot has happened in my life over the past few months. I have now moved out! I live with Tony in a gorgeous one bedroom flat in Tynemouth and I have never been happier with our relationship. Yes we have our arguments, a few minor hiccups...but they all get sorted out quickly! I know we haven't been together that long (6 months to be precise!) but I guess when you know it's right...it's right! I feel so free living away from the family...more freedom and privacy which is a definate bonus! Financial issues get a little stressful but it's nothing that Tony and I can't handle together.

Also... I am now brunette! I got bored of being blonde as I have been for my entire life and decided I needed a change so voila...a head of short (very dark!) brown hair which I completely adore! I still don't recognise myself in the mirror but I'll definately get used to it.

My ex (the guy who I spent years of my life being completely obsessed with) has now settled down with his girlfriend Amy and I am so happy for him! To be honest, knowing the sort of person he is, I never expected him to have enough maturity to settle down anytime soon but hey...when I'm wrong I'm wrong! They've just got a small flat together down in Billingham, Middlesbrough which is apparently lovely and the more I think about it the more I realise something...rather her than me! I really can't believe I was soooo obsessed...I mean what's the big deal with him?!

I don't think I should go on one of THOSE rants at the moment though...I'll never stop!

Job hunting at this present time is a complete nightmare and being out of work is so boring! I haven't been promoting much lately. I was too busy settling into the new flat and sorting out financial issues so I'm a little out of the loop with all of that. Must work hard to get back into it!!!

I think the only thing that is getting in the way of my new found happiness and my new exciting life is my health...

My illness has came back with a vengance! Feeling sick all day and night is driving me crazy! I don't really sleep anymore which isn't helped by my insomnia and the sickness is definately made worse as I have a phobia of being sick...emetophobia I think it's called. I'm debating on getting hypnotherapy to try and rid myself of my phobia as I don't want it to rule my whole life like it is doing at the moment! To be honest I am a little scared about this...I don't know what is wrong with me and neither does the doctors or the hospital so I have to get a lot of random tests done to find out whats causing it all! I just want rid of it! I want to be able to live my life like a normal person without worrying about whether I'm going to feel sick when I go to a certain place or do a certain thing; it drives me crazy!

A massive upside is that it is my birthday soon :) 30th August to be exact! Tony is treating me to a few things. This Monday he is taking me to see my favourite unsigned band the 'Little Comets' and I can't wait for that! Then on 28th August we're off to Edinburgh Zoo for the day followed by going to see Calvun Harris play in September! So I think it's going to be a pretty enjoyable birthday!

I have two new goals...

1) To tone up and achieve my perfect body by the time I'm 21 (giving myself just over a year!)

2) To drive by the time I'm 21 also.

I think they are pretty achievable goals...

I don't hate my body but I definately feel as if I have to make a few improvements - even though Tony loves me just the way I am! I need to feel happy within myself :)

I'm sooo close to passing my driving test...I just need the money to get back to my driving lessons so I will pass sometime soon and hopefully first time!

I'm also debating on taking a home-learning course in Psychology so I can work whilst completing it and then follow up with University...something I should've done years ago! I'm looking forward to that but again I need to save some money first...maybe I'll be ready to start the course in a few months time.

So yes...all in all it's been quite eventful lately...not so much exciting but definately eventful!

"You are worth a hundred thousand miles!"

Just make the most of it!

"Good times last forever,

I'll keep my heart with yours,

For every minute I am gone,

Swear you'll never leave me.

I'll be there every time,

In your heart and in your eyes."

Things really do change when your in love. Nothing bad seems to matter anymore...not when you see their face smiling at you! Corny...yes...just a little! We have put a deposit down on a flat and are moving in at the end of the month which I am soo excited about! I just can't wait to be living with him...waking up to him every morning will be heaven! And of course...more privacy! The flat is gorgeous! It's a nice size, lovely area and near the beach so I definately can't complain. I never expected things to go so fast with Tony but it just feels so right for once and I may be young but I know this is it...I have found the one!

But enough of my blabberings about being loved up...something else has been brought to my attention...

This is that everyone should make the most of their time with the people they love...whether that is a family member, a friend or a significant other...as you never know when circumstances may change dramatically. Take my cousin Jenni for example...her boyfriend is in the army and his next post is in Germany for 3 years. She is fighting to be able to go with him and he is fighting to stay in the UK. If he had to go and she couldn't go with him just imagine how bad that would be! Only seeing the one you love a few times a year! Nightmare!
But also, if Jenni does end up going to Germany with her boyfriend I have lost one of my closest friends. To be honest, over the years I haven't made the most of her being there. I have took advantage of the fact that she was always there. We argued, spend long periods of time not speaking and spent periods of time hating eachothers guts. I think this was just because we are so alike that at times we did clash severely! I really regret all of that though because come July she may be living in Germany and I will hardly ever see her! She was supposed to be the maid of honour at my wedding and if she goes I have a feeling that won't happen! I will miss her soo much.
So yes in short...just make the most of your time with the people you love...

Forgive fast,

Forget past problems,

Laugh together

And

Live your lives while you can!

[.Moving.Forward.]

"It's a brand new day, the sun is shining. It's a brand new day. For the first time, in such a long long time, I know...I'll be okay."

For the first time in a long time I am actually moving forward with my life. I'm really determined to make my life into something special and not waste it! I have been wanting to get into promotions and eventually open a music promotions company before I eventually open my own record label. Until recently I didn't think that was ever going to happen. Now, after a year of fighting to get somewhere I am promoting for North East Music and The End Bar and I've just been asked to run the music pages for Big Eye Network. It's only voluntary but its the start of my dream. I needed the experience and now the chance to learn as much as I can has been handed to me and I swear I'm going to make the most of this!

I'm actually really optimistic about my life now and even though I'm having a few hiccups with my health (my illness is coming back and I'm really run down) I'm not going to let that get ontop of me!

"The cycle never ends. Gotta fall in order to mend."

One thing I have learnt over the past few years is sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom for something amazing to happen and if you just have a little hope you will get to where you want to be eventually. I have to admit though, if it wasn't for certain people believing in me I wouldn't be where I am now so I've really got to thank them. Expecially one person in particular...the guy mentioned in my previous post...my boyfriend Tony. He has made me realise that I can actually do what I want to do with my life and has helped me to make the most of the opportunities I have been given so a huge thanks to him!

"You are lovely tonight. You, dear, will guide me into the morning light. You are lovely tonight. Lay here beside me, I see the rest of my life...with you!"

Take my heart ♥

It's all about the first night and last, some people say...well I love you so much more tonight, more than yesterday ♥

...

I honestly never thought I would get over my ex. I mean look at my last blog entry here! I ran to him as soon as he asked for me...pretty pathetic to be honest.

Well I did go down to see him and at first it was amazing if not a little arkward but I was definately enjoying myself. We just acted the way we always had...making fun of eachother, joking around, play fights and tearing eachothers clothes off (well it was bound to happen!). Everything was great until he asked me one thing...he asked for me back and for the first time in 5 years I hesistated. Me! The girl who has been obsessed with him for years! Something just came over me, a realisation i think. I started to realise that maybe he wasn't this amazing guy who deserved all of the adoring attention and that he really didn't treat me right so for a few hours I stayed quiet...not knowing what my answer should be.

In the end I said yes...I think it was what I thought I felt for him that won me over. I think I had been living in some sort of a dream world about what our relationship had been because as soon as we were 'officially together' he just went straight back to how he was the last time I was with him (which I hated!). I was fine about being back with being with him but not great which was weird as all I had been talking about in the months leading up to this was what I would do for just one more chance to be his. It wasn't until I got back home that I realised I just couldn't do this anymore. The risk of getting hurt again was too big and he wasn't doing anything with his life and to be honest...I don't think he ever will! He has never had the motivation to really make something of himself and I think I deserve someone a little better than that.

The upside is that I have found that someone else! And it wasn't who I was expecting! I have known him for years...well I say known him but really I didn't...I just went to school with him. I used to have a massive crush on him and apparently the feeling was always mutual. It was pretty random. He asked me for a drink and as soon as we saw eachother we just clicked and it was like we'd been together forever!

People always say when you meet the right guy you just know. And up until recently I thought I knew who that person was but now...now I really do know. Its just a feeling deep inside which is incredibly hard to explain. He is everything that a guy should be; amazing personality, cheeky, great sense of humour, protective, caring, honest, good looking (you might say that isn't important but admit it...it is! If your not attracted it doesn't work!), faithful, trusting...I could go on and on.

So I've been living on cloud 9 lately and I've never been happier!

I just feel like the luckiest girl in the world. All it takes is for me to wake up in the morning, roll over and see his face and it brightens my day.

Corny...yes...but I don't care!

Complications...

Okay so everything has got a little complicated in my life now...

Well...

I met someone....I now have a boyfriend. He's a great guy and we get on really well but for the time we have been together I've been having doubts. I've been thinking a lot about my ex and what could have been and what I wish would be. It made me doubt whether I wanted to be in a relationship in general because if I can't stop thinking about my ex then it isn't really fair on a new boyfriend is it?!

And then....to complicate things further...

I got very upset one day thinking about the ex and sent him a very detailed text about the way I felt about him and how I was upset that he had found someone else and didn't want me anymore. I didn't expect a reply but I got one and it suprised me. He said he was confused about what he wanted now. Because HE STILL LOVED ME but didn't want to hurt his girlfriend. AND THEN he broke up with her and I got a text off him asking if we could talk. So I ran home to talk to him and he told me they had broke it off because it just didn't feel right. AND THEN he asked me to go and see him. I'm going to Middlesbrough tomorrow to see him! I don't know what to expect to be honest. Usually if I tell him how I feel he goes weird but now he hasn't so I don't know what to think! It's the first time I've told him this and he's asked to see me! I mean he hasn't even mentioned the texts to me yet...it was through a friend I found out that he had been talking about it. So I'm not sure what is going to happen. However...I do know one thing...I'm not going to let him use me so if he's expecting...erm...'THAT'....then he's not getting it! No chance! I love him soo much and I want all of him...not just a part every now and again.

Oh my god I've hurt so much over the past 5-6 months...missing him hurts more everyday! I've loved him for 5 years and it never hurts less...just even more every single day! Those people that tell you that it gets better are liars! It doesn't if you truely love the guy! I'm just not myself without him! It's like a part of me is missing...

Well...I'm hoping everthing goes well tomorrow! I've been panicking trying to sort outfits so I look good. I want him to see what he's missing not see the reason why he's not with me. I mean obviously I know that he didn't finish me because of that but its just there...on my mind...eating away at me.

So...I'm going to finish watching Bridget Jones and chillax =]

But I'll leave you with this...

''If I'm meant to be who I am...and who I am is lost...then who am I?''

Time[&]Confusion

''Torn and twisted, black and blue, everything i feel, i feel for you!''

My minds a little messed up at the moment...I'm not really too sure what to think! I've been thinking a lot about my ex and yes I do miss him loads actually but I want to move on...its just I can't....there is no one! I've been messed about too much and I guess I just don't have trust in anyone anymore. All I want is to love someone and be loved by them. I guess all I really want is to be happy!

Also I kinda like someone that I shouldn't like and things could get ugly if I don't stop that. I mean i havent long known him but i just kind of clicked with him but still...i doubt he'd like me like that....i'm sure he already likes someone and she is sooo much better than me so i dont really stand a chance!

Anyway on a lighter note...I'm singing again next wednesday and can't wait. Oh yehh by the way I sang at my first gig not long ago! It was amazing! The feeling of being on that stage and the applause and how good it feels to find out you can do something you thought wasn't possible! Also a friend of mine is coming up from uni this weekend to stay so its party time XD lol I can't wait!

New Start... [2009]

Well i'm sick of the way my life has been over the past few years so it's time to make a few changes!

I spent the last year in a relationship which now seems pointless so really why did i waste so much of my time and energy on it = I mean i gave him everything and loved him unconditionally and it was thrown in my face so yehh...pointless lol. Also, i spent the year before that ill for about 8months so really the last few years haven't been too good!

So...this year things have to change!

The main things I am wanting to change are the following:
1) Smoking (I have to quit!)
2) Exercise (More of it!)
3) My future career (actually work towards what i want!)
4) Find a decent guy!

So I'm starting with the smoking...I've quit...I mean yehh its only been two days but I'm so determined this time! Next is the exercise...I'm sick of being unfit and unhappy about my stamina and body so its about time I done something about it! Then..theres my future career...I spent a while knowing what I wanted to do and not doing anything about it but that is now changing! I start college on thursday studying music business xD can't wait!! Finally...I need to meet a NICE guy! I mean is it so hard to meet a nice guy these days...I mean a guy who I actually have things in common with who has a sense of humour and is as random as me....well apparently it is =

I don't understand it...

It just seems like nice guys don't like me = i only seem to attract the idiots! And according to the guys i have liked...I'm not girlfriend material =

What do u think?